@World You can't make this shit up #ConservativeBible #WTF

The title is a HT to ... well, it seems like everyone on twitter. But it was @shoq who clarified that the fun was all about this. The Conservative Bible Project.

Conservative Bible Project

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Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations. There are three sources of errors in conveying biblical meaning:

• lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new concepts of Christianity
• lack of precision in modern language
• translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one.

Of these three sources of errors, the last introduces the largest error, and the biggest component of that error is liberal bias. Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.^[1]
As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:^[2]

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level^[3]
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;^[4] defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots";^[5] using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God."

Thus, a project has begun among members of Conservapedia to translate the Bible in accordance with these principles. The translated Bible can be found here.

Now, ordinarily I'd have to link to Pandagon or Demcratic Underground to find eloquent snark, but today, I find I can refer to ... wait for it... Little Green Footballs.

They start out with a workmanlike left jab...

The far right fanatics who run “Conservapedia” have a new project: they’re planning to rewrite the Bible to get rid of all of that liberalism and socialism: Conservative Bible Project.

There's a follow through with several solid body blows which you might better enjoy in the surprisingly unlikely context - but I must share the final haymaker.

The interesting thing about this project: it’s a tacit admission that the Bible itself is not the unchangeable, literal word of God, but can be edited as necessary to fit political purposes.

 Ok, dudes, when Little Green EFfing Footballs calls you "far right fanatics..." - it's time for a centering excercise. Seriously.

When people who are ordinarly proud of being called "wingnuts" actually pointing, mocking and LOLing just like Godless Liberals, it's time to reconnect to the Reality Base.

You should also look up Poe's Law.

In all fairness, I should point out that Conservapedia does recognize Poe's Law - and has reinterpreted it according to solid Conservative principles.

Like I said, you just can't make this shit up.

Why don't you log into Twitter and give them a hand.

How "Moonbats" Do Apoplexy. (It's SOO Cute!)

A truly FINE rant found on Democratic Underground via a Twitter recommend.

It starts off like this:

Fuck you. No, I'm not joking. I'm sick of this bullshit.

I'm sick of the way you've corrupted the public discourse. The way you've made it acceptable to hurl any insult you like at public officials. The way you blame us for the current atmosphere of hatred by accusing us of starting it with hating Bush. Like Bush didn't come on the heels of eight years of your tireless efforts to destroy Clinton by any means necessary, like Bush didn't give us good reason to complain. A couple of posters on a website compared Bush to Hitler and you've used it as free license to compare Obama to Hitler 24/7 and I'm sick of your hypocrisy, where it's acceptable to say shit about Obama that you would have had an apopletic fit (and did) if anythign remotely similar had been said about your guys. Keith Olbermann calls Cheney a fascist when he was actually using fascist tactics and you think that gives you the freedom to call Obama a fascist, socialist, Marxist constantly for no reason at all. Fuck you and your bullshit false equivelancy.

And then there's this part in the lower middle that I wish I'd written ...

I'm sick of you praising pure evil. You're letting Dick Cheney be the standard-bearer for Republicanism. Dick Cheney, a man so nakedly evil that even his friends call him "Darth"; a man so callous that Lex Luthor would recoil in terror; a man who probably has dismembered hitchhikers in those man-sized safes and kills plants by his mere proximity. Fuck you.

And then it concludes with this:

Fuck you, you scumridden shitehawks, you make me sick. Just fuck off and die.

EDIT: To remove my brief descent into sexist language. Apologies to anyone who saw it.

Prophet 451, you are so KYUUUUTE!!!!!!!!

You Shall Have No Other Candidate Before Me

Comments on YouTube, Digg; all over the blogosphere are largely incredulous - but there does seem to be a hard core of dead-end-dumb Dumbfuckistanis who think that if McCain says Obama thinks he is the second coming, that must be because Charlton Heston TOLD him to say it, because it was, like True.

Just like all them threat-o-meter warnings. They came straight from Heston too.

John McCain, heeere's your sign!

The Ultimate Asshole Bumpersticker is available at Cafepress.
Get it now, before it Evil Liberal Censorship causes it to disappear!

I have a "no torture" design at Cafepress which I think is rather good and I was trying to see why I was losing the sales race. I think I've sold two or three, total.

Well, the answer is, it's a good design, but there are a few better ones, and clearly hundreds of better-promoted ones.

But right in the middle of scratching the curiosity itch, I found a design that says "I support waterboarding."

I had to know what combination of stupidity and ignorance of our Constitutionally-recognized basic human rights would provoke creating such a thing - much less the idea of slapping it on the ass of your car.

RIGHTREVOLUTION.COM: "WE HAD THE REAGAN REVOLUTION IN THE 80'S AND THE CONTRACT WITH AMERICA IN THE 90'S. NOW WE NEED A NEW RIGHT REVOLUTION TO CONFRONT ALL OF OUR ENEMIES IN THE 21ST CENTURY!"

As the saying goes; "Be careful what you wish for, you might get it."

Assholes create enemies at an exponential rate, and right now, our foreign policy is being determined either by assholes like this, or the fools who PANDER to assholes like this, apparently ignorant of the brutal reality of legitimizing the opinions of Camaro-Driving Assholes.

I found the one you see at the top of the story. And that's your GraphicTruth for the day and a succinct summation of WHY civilized nations DO NOT FUCKING TORTURE PEOPLE.

FIRST: You make enemies, enemies that may one day be in a position to do you a serious injury.

SECOND - and more immediately - When you torture people, other people treat YOUR people accordingly.

THIRD: When you torture people, they do indeed talk. They tell you exactly what you want to hear. When people tell you exactly what you want to hear, you find out that applying that "intelligence" can lead you far, far astray. Like, for instance, where we are right now, in Iraq.

Where we torture people.

To get "intelligence."

So, like, how's that been workin' out for us?

FOURTH: Those people who understand this and who are supposedly on your side realize that you are adding to their own chances of being tortured or blown up without warning. As a result, you make enemies you don't even know about.

The vast majority of Europeans, Canadians, Australians and of course 70% of the American people can see, hear and understand the consequences and outcomes that are inevitable when you let the asshole drive the Camaro with the Red White And Blue decal onna hood that makes it go even faster!

The FBI, which does not exactly have an institutional tradition of tender concern for the rights of the accused, nonetheless maintains a strict policy against torture that not even Alito could subvert. Why?

Because torturing people gets you false leads, false confessions and acquittals - as well as making you an easy mark for disinformation. Or in other words, aside from the national security situations this causes, it can lead to the public embarrassment of elected and appointed superiors!

Even when those superiors are apparently immune to being embarrassed by the fruits of their own incompetence and malfeasance, those real-world, national security issues remain.

Remember, it's the FBI that was and continues to be our counter-intelligence arm, they went up against the best-trained agents the KGB and the Chinese could send. And, once or twice (at least), Mossad.

They learned patience and have a remarkably good record in getting real intelligence from people, without those people being converted into terrorists in the process; something that Gitmo has rather notably achieved.

But this sort of ruthlessly patient professionalism is unacceptable to the sort of Camero-Driving Assholes who think that there can be no "victory" without someone being beaten to a bloody pulp. And, quite clearly, not only do they feel they have enemies, they positively delight in making them - ignorantly and indiscriminately.

Do you think John McCain is gonna think that's funny or even remotely appropriate?

Now, like all assholes, you may well be about to say "whatcha gonna do about it," or maybe "It's a free country" or "I got a goddamn RIGHT to say whatever I want!"

Indeed. But then, if these things are true, they are true for all of us, not merely the sort of asshole who drives a Camaro as if it were a spooge filled, condom-less penis aimed at the faces of their fellow citizens.

While it is certainly "First Amendment speech," the First Amendment says nothing about legal, non-violent consequences - ranging from mockery to boycotts to direct objections to Cafepress. Those communications are also protected by the First, And Greatest Amendment.

Care to shake your fist at me? Let me refer you to the Second Amendment and Common Law. Or in other words, it's unwise in the extreme to use physical force against people who are too civil to simply beat the crap out of you on general principles. "Civilized" does not mean "pussy."
Indeed, civilized nations and persons tend to be rather better prepared for violence than others - since they rather commonly run into this sort of situation and need to have a variety of options to deal with it. Those options most definitely involve physical force.

Then there are the consequences that, while not being protected by the first or recognized as legitimate by the law, can nonetheless be expected to occur on a statistical basis.

I sure as hell would not want to be parking anywhere NEAR a National Guard or Reserve outfit with that on the back of my car. Never mind being keyed, it's entirely possible that I'd find an APC parked on it.

An APC with this sticker slapped on it's ass.

One of several products you can find in my Anti-Torture Shop.

Feel free to pass this on to Cafepress (cup@cafepress.com) and inquire as to whether the bumpersticker (and indeed, the shop itself) meets their Terms Of Service.

Or you can call Cafepress toll free at 1-877-809-1659. If you are outside of the US, please call 1-402-517-4480.

It's a Faux Analogy! Peanut Butter V. Science

Proof that having a really good suit and a tv-trained voice does not make you smart. Or Correct. Or in these Post Faux Days - Credible.

A spokesmuffin and a supposed engineer try to discredit Evolution - with peanut butter.



HT to "Hell's Handmaiden" who has some even MORE hilarity in store for y'all. Better yet, one of them is Creationist Generated.

The response is from "The Bacon Eating Athiest Jew" - so I betcha know where that's going.

I just had to chime in here to assert that you don't have to be an athiest to find these people too goddam* embarrassing to stand near.

*Not Demanding, Sir and or Madame. PLEADING!