Monday, July 17, 2006

And I Feel Fine... And I Feel Fine...

graphic courtesy of this site's Cafepress store"Are you tired of zipperheaded god-bothering twaddlepates messing with your life, reproductive organs and trying to get you to take idiotic doomsday-prophecies seriously?

The tile is cool, but the Black Tee-Shirt is AWESOME!

When people persist on thumping you with their Bibles, you need something of convenient size and heft to respond. Such as, say, a breezily-documented and cheerfully contemptuous, reality-based chronology of the Fleecing of the Flock. In the words of the terror of Trailer Trash Tribulationists, Alma-Gedden:

..In the theory favored by those whose idea of the Universe is a small, cramped space consisting primarily of ghosties and ghoulies and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night, the world ought to be coming to a screeching halt any day now. So imminent is the End, in fact, that you may not even get to finish reading this sentence before being either whisked away to glamorous Paradise or plunged into Eternal Damnation. Assuming you're still with me, let me make clear that the supporters of this concept are all absolutely sure that Armageddon is at hand and that we are living in the very Last Days. The signs are all there, they say, the omens and portents are in place, the numbers are right and all the USDA prime grade prophecies are coming true. No doubt about it, the End is seriously nigh. So, ha-ha to everyone who just had their car washed.

The trouble with this theory is that it's been espoused many, many, many times before. Near-countless times before. Over thousands of years. By millions of people. Ad nauseum. And yet, to state the thuddingly obvious, they've all been wrong. However widespread the belief, however devout the believer, however precise the calculations, however unshakable the certainty, the promise of Doomsday's arrival has remained stubbornly unfulfilled. And yet, here we are in the dim, dun dawn of the 21st century, going at it again like post-modernist Chicken Littles. And if anything, cock-a-doofus-dooming with greater gusto than ever before.

The why, the what, the where, the when, the who and the how is what this site is all about. This peculiar obsession humans have for watching the clock when we should be enjoying the party has been going on for millennia. And despite an utterly abysmal historical record of failure upon failure and reality's willful refusal to call time-out, it's one that never seems to lose its dubious charm or go mercifully away.

The following pages contain the most comprehensive collection of apocalyptic prophecies I could compile. Plus, discussion about the various types of Doomsday warnings and obsessions, quirks of the calendar, predictions of apocalypse from around the world and assorted other related stuff. So, if you think you have time to look them over before the Big One hits, the UV rays fry you, the nuclear winter freezes you, the Rapture captures you, the aliens abduct you, the earth opens up to swallow you, the black helicopters come to get you or the dreaded Satanic computer pixies plant a bar code in your forehead and plunge the world into commie-pinko conspiracy chaos, then, by all means, enjoy!

Ruthless reality-checking of this sort that cured me of my native credulity, despite being given every opportunity by my betters to spurn the snares and delusions of skeptical inquiry, the scientific method, the process of reason, rhetoric and of course, THE Great Satan; Reading the bits of the Bible the church would rather you didn't.

I present this site and it's fund-raising appendage as a commendation to you to go, read, laugh and get over your botheration. Because these are the same people that take Anne Coulter seriously. When Coulter says that she is a Christian, this is the sort of Christianity she's talking about. Or in other words, if you happen to actually be a follower of Christ, you can stop being embarrassed; there's absolutely no correspondence between the words of Christ and her sort of religious bigotry.

Weekly World News - Free of Liberal Bias since it's Inception!

are the people that take Bill O'Rielly at his word. I can understand that; compared to the nonsense and outright delusional "pie in the sky" lunatic-fringe theology they are used to consuming, O'Rielly IS "fair and balanced," while Coulter - Colter is little different in content than any fire-and-brimstone preacher - particularly given her obsession with anal sex and fisting.

Relax. Take a deep, deep breath and center yourself. Then "Click Here" and spend the next little while chuckling at the credulity of your fellows as you read through the various accounts of false prophets (many of whom profeted handsomely) by underestimating the intelligence of the American People.

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