Friday, November 30, 2007

Say that again, Bob? Fox TV has a Standards and Practices department?

I've been a GoDaddy.com customer since I first registered GraphicTruth.com.

That's quite some time, now that I think on it, and I have never had one single complaint. Indeed, they have managed to consistently exceed my expectations.

By that, I mean I almost never have to go to godaddy.com. My renewals are automated, my hosting is automated and nothing ever seems to break. I have paid a hell of a lot more for far, far less.

They are the perfect service in this regard; completely invisible unless you have some reason to need them. They don't overpromise and everything they offer works, right out of the box. Honestly, I can't imagine why they even need advertising, I mean, if youda ast me, I'da tolja.

And no, I'm not getting dime one for this.

Anyway, until today I was only vaguely aware that Bob Parsons (Owner of GoDaddy.com) had a blog. Like I said, I hardly ever go there. But I had some domain twiddling to do and a host account to establish for a project of mine and there it was:

BobParsons.com
The 2008 Super Bowl is a go!
2 hilarious ads get rejected.
You'll never guess why.

Now, even I am not ignorant of the first, massively successful GoDaddy Superbowl Commercial. So when there was a tease indicating that they were having difficulty getting a GoDaddy Superbowl commercial approved, because this year it's FOX broadcasting it, I had to click.

Let's face it; Fox put the broad in broadcasting.

That chica in the spandex band-aid could well be a FOX News Spokes-bimbette. All that's required is the ability to read and a sufficient insufficiency of either intelligence, curiosity or integrity so that one does not actually laugh at what one is asked to read.

Bob, speaking of the gratuitous insertion of very large breasts into contexts where search engines might find them - I bow in your direction and acknowledge your genius.

You have made being surrounded by lap-dancers, midgets and the dudes from Sturgis tax deductible - and also ensured that on every "see what you other CEO's could have if you weren't so uptight" page, there's a link to Go-Daddy.

Meanwhile, the Other Guys are paying two hundred bucks a plate to hear Ashcroft sing "Let the Eagle Soar."

The fact that you got a 9 percent hit on market share from that first ad must feel like being tipped by a lap-dancer.

I cannot think of how much this all pisses off those suits at Network Solutions (not even half the service at more than twice the price). I found GoDaddy looking for a registrar that was NOT Network Solutions. Until today, I'd never realized just how damn appropriate it is for GraphicTruth to be associated with GoDaddy.

But since I was "sold" on the service long before you stopped pretending to be respectable, I never paid much attention to your wacky publicity.

But not having thought of it much does not mean "Deaf or Blind," so I assure you that I did see the first Go-Daddy commercial and thought it a work of absolute genius with malice aforethought, guarenteed to point out that ordinary joes could and should be thinking about domain registration.

1.99 dot com domains are a powerful marketing tool - speaking as someone for whom price point beats boobage every single time. Still, with apologies to Willie Sutton, "Boobs and $1.99 domain names will get you a lot more than just $1.99 domain names."

Anyway, in a howl of irony,it turns out that Bob is having some problems with "Standards And Practices" over at Fox, getting them to approve his 2008 Superbowl ad.

One rejected concept featured two of our celebrity Go Daddy Girls, in seemingly adjacent stalls in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport restroom. Both are wearing tennis shoes with pink socks. There's a bit of toe tapping and other signals. Eventually both girls rise up over the top to acknowledge each other, only to find that in the stall between them is a rather surprised and delighted Booth Coleman, who just happens to be wearing the same tennis shoes with pink socks. I'll let you imagine the dialog from there. Booth is the older gentleman who appeared in our 2005 (the actor with oxygen mask), 2006 (the network censor) and 2007 (just a fun loving guy) commercials. To see the 2007 commercial, please click here.

The other rejected creative was a parody of a famous scene involving Marilyn Monroe in "The Seven Year Itch." The Go Daddy Girl dressed in a white sleeveless skirt has her dress blow up in the air when she stands over what appears to be a street air grate. A closer inspection by the camera reveals a snickering Booth Coleman hidden under the grate, holding a huge fan.

FOX? In charge of good taste?
In rejecting both our "restroom" and "fan" creatives, FOX S&P gave us a reason we've not heard before. They said both concepts were in "poor taste." After reading the FOX rejection, I thought "hmmmm, in poor taste?" "Of course. What are they expecting? We're talking about a GoDaddy.com ad intended for the Super Bowl."
Bob, Bob, Bob. You do the domain registrations, let the professionals do the punch lines.

FAUX hosts Bill (hide my loofa) O'Rielly, Sean Hannedy and the largest stable of boufed and betoothed, gloriously artificial spokesmuffins on the planet. To work there, Greta Van Susteren required cosmetic surgery, despite being one of the most articulate legal analysts out there. Let's not go into what surveys show Faux News viewers believe to be the truth about "the war on terror."

Oh, and then there's "24" - a show clearly crafted to be an vehicle intended to contrive excuses for torture, plumbs depths of Authoritarian propagandistic absurdity never even approached by Hawaii 5-0.

So the funny, Bob, ain't that they rejected a godaddy.com ad being "in poor taste."

I agree, that's like rejecting a glass of water for being "rather wet for my taste." I will tell you, your 2007 Superbowl commercial crossed my line, then turned around and urinated on it. But it didn't bore me or insult my intelligence. Hell, it didn't even try to appeal to it! Kinda refreshing in a way.

But let's face it, you were reaching out to the core Fox News Demographic, grabbing them by the balls as literally as possible with a tv commercial and suggesting to them that they should be out their on the web, where all the hot chicks are.

Which is rather like the FOX News implication that "Real men watch FOX because that's where Real Women give great cleavage, while breathing hard in simulated outrage."

So, the funny for MY money is that they have the gall to actually call whatever it is they do "Standards and Practices."

Or for that matter, have managed to find anyone to work in "Standards and Practices" for them capable of saying "I work For Fox TV in the Standards and Practices devision" with a straight face. Or without shooting themselves.

If they had any standards they practiced, falafel boy would be working as an overnight weather guy in a place like Reno, Tulsa or Walla Walla, Faux news would be accurate and newsworthy (after a hostile takeover by Turner Broadcasting and the BBC), Greta would still look like a comfortable and trustworthy basset hound and there would be no shows on television where the whole plot revolved around contriving yet another reason to torture a human being.

I take it back, Bob. My punch-line wasn't anywhere near as funny as yours.

But I do have an idea for you: why not just buy five 15 second black cards that say "Too Hot for Fox Standards and Practices." and the url.

Then make every one of your ideas - and see how many people you can suck away from not just the other commercials, but the actual television for not just 30 seconds, but for half an hour or 45 minutes. Counterprogram the hell out of it on the web with Go-Daddy girls playing with footballs, fast cars, fast bikes and submachineguns, while being hosed down with champagne by previous SuperBowl ringbearers, interspurted with your own commercials.

Heck, if this works, next year you could be SELLING ads.

When arrogance compounds absurdity to this degree, an hilarious bitch-slapping is in order. And you have some powerfully competent and professional competitors on the payroll...

Now, blog the results, with server stats, in real time. You know, for that nice lady over at Adweek who didn't do her research.

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